he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
