I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
