i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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