drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
