I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
