Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
