I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
