Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize