Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
