You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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