Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
