My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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