i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i drank out of a bidet.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
