Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
