I like to think it a success when the cops are called
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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