I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
