I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
