Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dear god my vagina.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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