it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
