Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Randomize
