Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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