Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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