y did u give ur computer a hand job?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
