We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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