I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
