I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
