I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
cat food counts as protein by the way
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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