How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
