Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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