So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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