I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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