I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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