Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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