he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
