Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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