I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
