She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
