After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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