Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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