I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
