So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
