He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize