Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
