i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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