his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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