Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
