I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
