when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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