Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
