Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
