so let's talk penis.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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