if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize