im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
