I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
