My first STD was from a foam party
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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